KENYATTA MARKET HORROR STORIES

If you thought my posts were relatable, think again.

Have you ever gone to Kenyatta Market(KM) to get your hair braided, or cut or you were just accompanying someone?
First of all, if you happen to be in the surrounding 1km with your hair out open, you’re a mark. You’re like an antelope in the Savannah and the hairdressers are the lionesses. If you’re lucky, you’ll find them seating on the plastic chairs near the market entry points holding some plaited braids of different sizes and colors.

They will greet you,

mrembo habari?
If you ignore them, they’ll start shouting their stall numbers.

“Stall number 512”

Trying to brainswash you.

Mad respect though, because they know a bit of human psychology, that if they are loud enough for you to hear the stall number, it can enter your subconscious and just incase you find your salonist alihama(moved) or they’ve closed, you’ll head directly to their stall because the number is in your head. Genius, right?

Some of the salonists will go to the ends of the Earth. You’ll find them sitting at Kencom, where the matatus to Kenyatta market are normally taken. They’ll be on the lookout for anyone with open hair(and by open hair I mean any hair that’s not been braided) and if you’re wearing a hat or a turban, it’s like they can smell that your hair has not been braided. Maybe they have sentinel eyes, who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️. They’ll approach you again with the

” Hi mrembo“,

What if I’m not mrembo (beautiful) and maybe there are higher chances of me accepting to be your customer if you didn’t use that word?

Anyway, I digress.

They’ll escort you to your seat inside the bus even though you’ve insisted that you’re not going to the salon. Karibu wakulipie fare🤦🏻‍♀️

When they finally see how disinterested you are, they decide to leave you alone and somebody else will have to persevere the same ordeal.

If you’ve been to the market before and say, you’re not pleased by the salon you were at previously, you’ll heed to the demands of one of the salonist at the entrance and decide to follow them. You’ll bargain(probably they’ll still rip you off depending on how you look)
They’ll walk a few metres ahead of you, scared that they’ll start a fight in case they meet your previous salonist.
I literally had this one incident the salonist told me,

wacha nitembee mbele yako, ujifanye hunifuati”

like what the hell kind of madness is that?? I just came here to make my hair, not start World War 3!

Aside from that, let’s talk about getting your twists done. To begin with, if the salonist ako na “mikono mzuri” you won’t feel any pain when they are attaching the braid to your hair.
The real pain begins when, after quarter way braiding the hair, mtu wa kumalizia comes to finish twisting the whole braid. How is this done? Well, this lady(the finishing up lady), is normally dressed in shorts or a skirt with a leso. You’re lucky if they took a bath in the morning because if they didn’t, the stench that’s about to come your way. No wonder my sister opted for dreadlocks!
The lady will roll the braid on their thigh and twist it. If it’s a front braid, it’ll hurt like shit. If it’s in the middle, it’s less painful, well atleast for me.

If you’ve had your hair braided before, you know that time when the salonist is almost done with the braiding and they only have small portion remaining, and you can see it’s a small portion? But then they take an even longer time to finish that portion compared to the time they took to braid the bigger part of your hair? I hate that.

Oh, I’m currently at KM having my hair braided btw, because who I’m I kidding? If you want your hair braided fast and neatly, that’s the place to be!

Do you have any horror stories at Kenyatta Market you’d love to share? Do comment down below.

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